REBIRTH
Photo by Joshua Abner from Pexels
THE BEGINNING
As a child, I was a loner. I loved being outdoors because it always made me happy even though I wasn’t most of the time. Becoming an introvert started out in those early years & of course, as a child, I had no idea what that meant until I got older; All I knew is that I was a loner, I loved the outdoors & my love for writing began at a very young age.
Journaling was therapy for me, which developed into a continued love up into adulthood. I had very few friends, but one thing I did notice was that the butterfly was my friend. You see, as a child I didn’t fit in with anyone. I was teased & made fun of a lot by other school kids & family members as well. All of this made me shut down completely, which began the start of me having & developing low self-esteem & just rather be alone than deal with anything. Every time I was outdoors sitting in the yard writing, there would appear a butterfly.
Now see, many people have a love for butterflies because yes they are beautiful but they didn’t always start that way. They had to go through the process to get there. My love for the butterfly is completely different because I have a real story, a real connection to them; they always appeared when I was sad, lonely & going through something. That’s when I realized that they were more to me than just being a butterfly—they were my guardian angels, who still show up & appear out of nowhere to me still to this day.
THE MIDDLE
Up until this very moment, my mother & I never had a mother/daughter relationship. I always felt like she didn’t like me because of everything my father put her through. I grew up in an environment where differences between my brother & I were made. I was never told, “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, or “great job”, none of those things. All of which did affect me from a child up into adulthood. It’s like nothing I ever done was good enough for her.
My father was in & out of my life. Every little girl loves her dad because he is the 1st man that she loves, & I adored & loved my father. Fathers are supposed to show their daughters how they are supposed to be treated; what my father showed me was how much he could lie to me, never show up for me, use me as a trophy piece to brag to his friends about & not being there for me at all when I needed him the most. So yes, I had parents who were divorced & parents who I could never go to for anything, talk to about my 1st heartbreak or my 1st for anything.
I had kids at the young age of 19. I had my oldest daughter, Dymond & my only son, Diamonte. No, they are not twins, BUT they are 10 months apart. Being a mother changed my life. I was working my very 1st job out of High School, Popeyes, plus going to school. A lot of times, I often questioned whether I was a good parent or not because of how I grew up with the differences being made between me & my sibling & now also with my kids; my mother never wanted them around & it would always hurt me when they would ask me why their grandmother never wanted them around. All I know is that she taught me exactly what not to do as a mother. God was the way for me, as a single mother of two at the time, that helped me get through! Even though I promised myself that I would never be the mother to my kids that my mother was to me, I had a lot of emotional & mental scarring because of it.
I found myself being in toxic relationships I should have never been in & staying in them longer than I should have, but because I didn’t know my worth, my value or who I was in Christ, I was always settling for way less than God’s best for me! I realized that I was being with the same type of guys that my father was, liars, cheaters & manipulators! That pattern kept going. When I got married at age 30, my 3rd born child was born, Christiana my baby girl. At age 34, I got divorced for the reason of a child that he fathered within our marriage. Yes, my husband at that time was living a double life. Everyone knew about it except me! I was very humiliated, devastated, embarrassed & numb when I finally did find out! Going through depression & starting to question myself & looking at myself like there is something wrong with me! All I can say is BUT GOD!! He pulled me out of depression.
Now a single mother of 3; but have you ever felt alone in your marriage? Yes, that was me. Now in the process of trying to heal from all the hurt, the pain, the humiliation, the sorry that you never received,, holding onto unforgiveness towards him, his family & everyone else that knew & never told me anything, that anger & hurt had embedded so very deep inside of me! So you’re looking at someone who from a child was a loner, was teased, talked about, differences being made between siblings; onto having children, then being in relationships that caused me to question myself, when in reality I never had a father who showed me how I was supposed to be treated, which was why I was settling for guys who were just like my father; I never had a mother who talked to me, never held me & told me that she loved me & that everything would be ok.
In all of that, I still had a big heart & always loved helping people; when you’re a giving person with a big heart, you are always the one who gets hurt the most, used the most, walked out on & stabbed the most. I don’t do anything for anyone for a showcase or bragging rights. I am a genuine person who will help anyone in need if I was in a position to & when it came to my friends that were never an issue if I was going to help them out if in need because they were considered family; I had friends whom I’ve helped & thought they were genuine & sincere but it led to me being talked about, lied on & being called everything except a child of God; close friendships that just went left all because of lies.
As my relationship with God started getting closer, more personal & intimate, He began to show me a lot of things from childhood to adulthood in various dreams & just in moments of stillness, that I am now able to understand. That’s also when I came to truly understand what the butterfly represented in my life—my guardian angels.
THE END: SLASH THAT---NEW BEGINNINGS
Looking back over my life, I have been through a lot, more than some. You see, God has the power to show you who He is! He had to sit me down, isolate me & put me back in a relationship with myself to get where I am today. Was it easy? Of course not!! He is still working on me, but I had to do some hard-core work. I had to stop operating from my default setting, my old self, & walk & operate under my new core & get into alignment with God. I did a lot of praying on my face, crying out to God, many days without ceasing, fasting for clarity & direction & just kept on praying!! That’s how I was able to forgive my mother for everything from childhood to now & release & move forward; that’s how I was able to forgive my father right before he transitioned; that’s how I was able to forgive every toxic relationship & friendship that I was in; & lastly, that’s how I was able to forgive myself & release it all to God; He then handled the rest.
I have spent almost all of my life being comfortable yet very unfulfilled; & in all that, God always had His hand on me & my children & His hedge of protection! God had to show me that everything that I have been through from childhood up until now, was all necessary for such a time as this! All of my battles, those mountains, those obstacles & my staying in trials longer than most, it’s because He chose me. He did not make me fit in, He created me to stand out & I never understood back then why I had to go through all I did, but it was all part of the process that I had to go through to get me to this point in my life of coming into my own & walking in God’s will I & purpose for my life & knowing who & whose I am!
So allow me to re-introduce myself: My name is Carolyn Hayes; I am walking in the anointing of my true authentic self, who I am, whose I am, my purpose, my greatness, my destiny, entrepreneurship, complete & total focus on continued growth with self, my prayer life & my walk with God. You see, God had to empty me completely so that He could fill me up again completely; while He was filling me up, He was also taking all of my broken pieces & putting them back together but this time very differently; because He promised me that He would restore everything as if it never happened—the past hurts, pain, disappointment, rejection, etc. & that’s exactly what He did!
You see, I had to trust His process & that’s when I was released, restored, revived & renewed! So now you understand why this blog title is called “Rebirth”. It’s because this was the introduction to 2020, it’s my word for the year that also ties into my phrase for the year, “Broken no more”. When you allow God to do what He needs to do in your life, when you get out of His way so that He can have his way in your life, it is then that you will get the real healing & deliverance that you need so that you can experience the true peace in your life that you so rightfully deserve.
#transformation#shifting